Well he freaking should already, right? Kevin, to help make today as easy as possible, I've taken the liberty of writing your resignation speech:
"Good afternoon, Pirates fans. For years you have debated whether my heart is filled with evil, stupidity, or amply supplied with both. If consciously subjecting others to shame and misery for personal monetary gain is "evil", then I guess I've been evil. If having no long-term plan for a contending team and inexplicably extending the contract of an established failure GM is "stupid", then I guess I've been that too. If fielding a sub-.500 team all 11 years I've been on the job is "losing", then I guess that makes me an evil, stupid, loser. And a damn good one at that. I stand before you today as an accomplished loser, and for that, I blush with shame. However, by admitting these shortcomings and accepting the fact that I'm not cut out for this job, today I make the first steps towards regaining my freedom, pride, and membership in the human race. My dignity can no longer be bought and I hereby resign.
My last act as CEO is the immediate dismissal of Dave Littlefield. The only thing Dave has won since infecting the organization with his record-setting ineptitude is a Worst G.M. trophy. Dave bowled over your hopes like Wiggy. Then he kicked off your helmet and stomped on your head. For that I'm truly sorry. My final act as CEO ensures this will never happen again. I look forward to winning baseball returning to Pittsburgh soon."
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